To Be or Not to Be

King and I talked last night and this morning. Although I have been chatting with a few new acquaintances, he manages to keep me intrigued by sharing bits and pieces of what's going on in his life. I still haven't figured out how, and if I want to deal with the madness of his professional and personal life. I'm flying to Milan but will be back next week. Ton's Spirit is leaving soon thus I do want to be close to him [and his boyfriend] when his Sunset arrives. It appears as if King understand that it's key for me to fly to Milan, but the underlying feeling is that he believes I should fly to CA and be with him prior to my Milan trip. For me it's impossible to accommodate his wish. As much as I desire to be with him; spend time with him-the reality is that I have Vlindertje; and other immediate issues requiring my attention. Of all people in the whole wide world, I'm falling for a guy who momentarily lives thousands of miles away. Are we both solid enough to-for starters-, maintain a long distance relationship?

I try not to call him each day or each moment he's crossing my mind. With every moment of joy, or a new experience, warm rain falling on my face; music that lift's my heart up, or when I receive a text from him- I want to tell him how much he means to me, and how hearing his voice makes me smile; how much I long to share every little accomplishment and moments of joy with him. I hope one day I can tell him how the thought of his hands holding the curves of my waist make me shiver; how my thoughts of him are nourishing the curves of my mind, and how he inspires me to dream, write and love again. Oh, Silly Bridget Jones.. Am I soliciting for a heartache?

I don't want to hold back, but I don't want to smother him with my emotions and feelings either. Why do we have to think about feelings and the consequences of our expressions for the appropriate "launching" of feelings and emotions? What about spontaneity? People who are close to me, are surprised how cautious I am with King. This, normally fiery and blunt Angry Asian Cookie, seems to be tamed by the King. Or is it my subconsciousness telling me: If he's the real deal - this only happens once in a life time - Fragile Caution handle with care ....

Do you guys have any idea how hard this is for a girl with Aries in Venus; Sun;Mercury; and Saturn??!! To Be or Not to Be that's the question?

Meanwhile all I can do is look at his picture's

Hugzzz Dahlings,


angryasiancookie.in.dc@gmail.com

Losing you

At least once a day I receive one phone call from my friends, or relatives in Europe. What amazed me when I first came here, I was surprised that visiting family or even keeping in touch with family and friends was a holiday matter as oppose to a day to day activity. I guess living in Europe where distance is not an issue provides the opportunity to stay in touch with family and friends more frequently.

Today my friend Ton gave me a buzz and that totally surprised me. Back in the day, Ton and I traveled together for business and pleasure. My mother and friends brought me in touch with Ton. Ton was in need of a personal life coach;Voila ici! A fruitful collaboration was born. As a designer, Ton traveled to Milan, Rome, Cannes, Paris, New York and so forth. Little Miss Me was so fortunate to accompany Ton on several business trips even when he had his boyfriend with him. On one occasion he kicked out his then BF to have a "girl's" night of doing our nails and gossiping about celebs he dressed. When I left to the US [and Ton took a break from work] we lost touch.

It was a major but pleasant surprise to hear his voice again. Ton and I chitchat about celebs of course; his BF; and his new line. Then it hit me hard, he told me that he was diagnosed with AIDS and that he feels his sunset it approaching. All I could do was cry. In a previous post I went on and on about Russian Roulette and cheating. Ton always protected himself but when he would be in a steady and committed relationship, then he and his partner would decide [after testing] to have unprotected sex. He tested HIV positive a couple of years ago, after he found out his partner was positive. The disease has progressed and Ton is suffering from co diseases.

He asked me if we could make a trip to Milan again; me, him and Vlindertje. How can I say "no" to his request... I guess I'll be traveling back to Milan in April and maybe celebrate my birthday with Ton, if he can make it. He sounded so vulnerable and weak, so not the Ton I know for years.

This news affects me more then I realized. Ultimately I knew we would lose Ton but I wasn't prepared for it as yet, if I ever could be prepared to lose a close and dear friend. I'm not sure if I'll be able to post a lot the next couple of days.but I'll be around.


Hugzzz Dahlings,


angryasiancookie.in.dc@gmail.com